Thursday, September 22, 2011

A New Beginning - Lesson Learned?

For those of you who know me well, know that I am stubborn and took the path in life where I make my own mistakes before I learn any lessons. Well...I think I'm finally learning. My 20th birthday is coming up in just over a week...and I think I'm finally figuring out what it is that I need in my life. At the moment it is 11:50 pm and my best friend Becca and I are in my basement just finished watching the "mormon" Pride and Prejudice movie. I pulled out my laptop immediately to write before I forget the feeling I have right now. The main character is 26 - and unmarried. Heaven forbid in mormon culture, right? Well, I've decided that if this becomes the position I fall in, then I'm ok with it! The last couple of weeks have been somewhat life altering - the last week specifically. A man that I thought I could give my heart to betrayed me and left me hurt and bitter. Fortunately, the bitter has left relatively quickly and I wish him only the best and hope that he has found what he wants for his life - realizing that he is not what I want in MY life. Thank goodness I found this out before I gave my heart away. Yes, the hurt and betrayal is still there, but thanks to wonderful friends and "pie night wednesday" I'm remembering how to survive and pull through. My mom and I are going out of town this weekend to St. George for my birthday to see the play "Grease" at the Tuacahn. I'm glad I'm getting the chance to get away for a bit to focus on my relationship with my mom. I think we both need a reminder of what it is like to be with only each other and NOT rely on men to validate us, or the opposite, making us feel inferior. Even the strongest women need reminders sometimes of their inner strength. I'm finding the most important thing that resurfaces again and again in my life is the gospel. We all know I am not the most continually active member, but I am one that has never lacked the faith and knowledge that it is true - sometimes I just choose not to live what I know to be true. In which case, I lose myself again and realize that I am not being true to myself. Having just moved to Alpine, UT my records of the church have just been transferred and the bishop has already approached Mindy inquiring about my father and I and the on goings of our lives. As members - we all know what this means. Callings. For the first time, I'm actually excited. I considered starting to go to the singles ward, but I know I would instinctively and likely subconsciously still be searching for a husband. I figure if I'm given a calling in my home ward, it will give me something to focus on and keep me on my toes throughout the week. I'm hoping for primary. I really went or understood as a child and I think it could be the best position for me in order to continue learning and focus on MYSELF as a member and a woman. Throughout the week I would be more concerned about my lesson for that Sunday rather than what I'm doing without a man at the "ripe old age of 20" (thank you Utah Mormons for this irritating stigma). So, in other words. Lesson learned. I can't fix men and expect them to become Mr. Wonderful. I want to meet Mr. Wonderful as he is and be confident in the man that he truly is. That he is all that I want to begin and not something I feel I have to change in order to "fit the bill". It's not fair to him or me to expect one or the other to change. I'm not looking for Mr. Right anymore, I'm going back to looking for myself and waiting for Mr. Right to come looking for me. Who knows, maybe I already know him, or maybe I won't know him for another 5, 10, 15 years. I'm turning it over to Heavenly Father now. It's in His hands for when He knows I'm ready. Who would have thought I would have a rush of confidence at 12 am to realize what I want for my entire life ahead of me. I still will never be Molly Mormon or the perfect member - but I am going to be the best example of a PERSON that I can be and live the standards to the best of my ability. I have an amazing friend Becca who is an incredible example to me - we're focusing on ourselves and it helps that she is practically my other half - with her I know I can stick to the woman I want to be. I have other incredible examples in my life as well. Chantel is with the love of her life and has shown me that although life doesn't always turn out the way you had planned, in God's hands everything can work out and happiness can still be found in another plan. Emily has shown me what true friendship is, staying one of my very best friends even from thousands of miles away. Em, if you're reading this, please know I love you and I am so grateful for the example you have ALWAYS been to me!! And to my little sister, Claire, you are such an awesome example to me! I hope that you can look up to me in someways and, if nothing else, learn from the mistakes I have made. You are an amazing woman and deserve a wonderful man that will come in time. I'm so glad you are in no rush to get married, never feel pressured to get married until you know you've found the ONE! I know I'm preaching to the choir on this, and really, not many people read my blog. But this is more of a reminder to myself. Of what I want. Maybe someday my future husband will read this and can recognize that although I am preparing myself for him, I'm also just wanting to better myself. Mom, if you read this, please know that I want to be the best example I can be to you! I'm not talking about the church (although I think you know what you believe ;)) but also I want to be an example of STRENGTH to you. You were always that strength to me, and now it's my turn to return the favor and remind YOU of what a strong woman YOU ARE, ALWAYS have been, and ALWAYS will be. You are stronger than you think. If I'm reading this a day from now, a month, or even years - I just want to remind myself to watch Pride and Prejudice again if I've forgotten who I am. Focus on myself and knowing who I AM before I can love some one else and welcome them into my life. KISS. Keep It Sacred Sister. This is hopefully (another) new beginning - but one that I will remember. Lesson...being learned. :)  

1 comment:

  1. Ashley- I could not be more proud!! You are so amazing and a wonderful example to me, I love you : )