Saturday, October 29, 2011

Balls to the Wall Honesty - (Not the most lady like of titles) A.K.A. My TRUTH!!

Hey all! Ok, let's be real - the three people that follow my blog. Heck, I don't even follow it most of the time. Well, it's the Saturday before Halloween and I am literally laying in bed doing nothing tonight. I am that cool. I am so cool that I can just stay home on the weekend of my favorite holiday. I know, you're jealous. But let's be honest, it's probably the best place I could be tonight. It's not that I didn't have offers. I had a few choices - ex boyfriends, good friends, new friends, old friends. However, lack of transportation combined with my growing effort of trying to stay out of trouble has landed me at home tonight. I promise I'm not on here for a pitty party though! This is why I'm really on here: to lay down my standards so that whoever does happen to read this, can know what I stand for. Yep, I'm actually putting it out here.

DISCLAIMER: Alright, this is all honesty so I apologize ahead of time for anyone I may offend or hurt through this. It's not meant to show that I think badly or less of anyone - it's just me trying to hold to my standards. If yours are different, congratulations, I've been there and done that and chosen a different way. As long as you are being true to who you are and what you want, make it work for you. But this is the way it works with me.

First of all, I've dated a..potpouri, if you will, of different guys. All very nice and wonderful men in their own way, but there's always been something that hasn't made it work out. And I'll be the first to admit that it's usually my fault and religion plays a large part in it. Yeah, we've all heard it, "Religion shouldn't matter if you're in love" or "Why does it matter if someone believes something different?" blah blah blah - I believe in that, I do. But here's the thing - I WANT TO GET MARRIED IN THE TEMPLE. Guys; laugh, judge, think less of me if you will - but it IS NOT because "the church says so". Nope, it's not even primarily because I have the faith that my family can be together for eternity through a temple marriage. Many would argue that God loves us enough that any faithful family (no matter where married or what faith) will be able to stay together in the afterlife (if you so choose to believe in it). While I agree that he loves us enough to keep us together - here's the MAIN REASON I WANT A TEMPLE MARRIAGE:

I believe that any man truly worthy to marry me in the temple is going to be good to me. That means a worthy priesthood holder that can bless our children down the line. That means someone that treats me like a queen. (I don't mean endlessly serving me or buying me things - I'm talking respect and honor). A man with the faith and heart of Moroni. A man that desires a worthy life and expects the same from me. A man that sets his standards high but forgives when forgiveness is needed. A man that is steadfast, immovable, and unquestionable. A man that knows the Lord and leads a life of faith - knowing that if he lives worthily - we will be blessed with infinite happiness.

So, moving on, I know I have made mistakes. I know that many people don't believe that I deserve a good man because I haven't been the best woman. The difference is, though, that I am a living witness and example of the changing of a heart. Desiring a worthy life and living as such is possible even after the most awful and painful of mistakes have been made. What I have learned through this change of heart, is that if it is possible for me - it doesn't matter what any one else's past holds. "Dan In Real Life" quotes, "if I forgive [him] of [his] past, he will forgive me of mine." That is what I believe. That is what I deserve. That is what I desire.

Furthermore - there are men I care for immensely. I wish everyday that we held the same standards that would bring us together. But I know that I cannot change (not to be confused with "lower") my standards nor expect him to change for me. If the change of heart is to happen for us to be together - it needs first to be for himself. I always fall for the ones I can't have. I know, it's my own fault that I "can't" have them because I choose not to, but it does NOT mean that I care less for them or think they are not worth it. I just feel that I am also worth the effort.

I don't want to come off as one of those "princess" types that expects the world from some perfect man. Truth is, I'm not looking for perfect. I'm not looking for a "Return Missionary". I'm not looking for any of that. I am looking for a man that has made mistakes and can understand that I have made my own as well. BUT, that has learned from that and realizes how wonderful a life guided by the Lord can be.

I would also like to emphasize that "THE CHURCH IS TRUE, THE PEOPLE ARE NOT." Blasphemous as that may sound, I know that it is true. I KNOW that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the only fully restored gospel on this earth today. Some may disagree, but to me it is irrevocable fact. HOWEVER, I also know that it is oft misrepresented and people may become offended by those representing the church. I have first hand of this from leaders, parents, bishops, and even friends. The atonement is true. It is there to be used. It does not matter what others say or believe based on your past so long as you know you have settled things with your Heavenly Father and feel the Lord's presence.

Now, specifics. I will be honest in saying that I have, in the past, dated those who have smoked, drank, and the like and NEVER had an issue with it. I can admit that I have drank and had physical relationships with those I've dated. I will also say, however, that I have changed. I stopped drinking because I knew it wasn't something I wanted in my life and that, when I have children, do not want to have around them. I have been on both sides and finally realized that the Word of Wisdom is there for a good purpose. Witness, I don't have a license - not my best move. I have realized the importance of morality and know how incredibly tempting it can be to say no. I know I have not always been the best with morality - but it is a daily challenge and work for me. I strive each day to remember how badly I want the temple in my life and a husband that only loves and lusts after me. I want to belong to someone - and I don't feel that I should have to share my body anymore with anyone except for my husband. Worthy of my body and, I worthy of his. As for the use of drugs, I have never used but I have a younger brother that struggled with drug abuse. His change of heart has shown me that it is not worth it. I want to be an example to him that the most desireable of girls want to be with desireable men and drugs are not part of that. I cannot be a hypocrite and say that girls want someone clean when I turn around and date someone choosing that lifestlye - even if it is simply turning a blind eye, I cannot be that sort of example for him. I believe that the person worthy of taking me to the temple, would never try to add that to my life and would be understanding of why I hold the standards I do.

In the last few days, I have realized just how hard holding to those standards can be and how it can be heartbreaking to have to stand by what you believe. I have also realized, though, that it is SO WORTH IT! As much as I want to be with someone, I cannot be the only one changing my standards. It requires the same amount of effort from both sides.

If anyone is still reading this, again, I apologize. I would like to end on this note though: I am not "Molly Mormon". I never will be. I'm fun, outgoing, and find myself pretty hilarious. I have my flaws. I swear. I think sex is an important part of a relationship (Marriage only now of course!). I see nothing wrong with making out. I still struggle with wanting to drink but I manage to stay away as much as I enjoyed it at one point. I am sometimes too much of a work-a-holic. I don't think that "Keeping the Sabath" means not taking your grandma out to lunch for her birthday. I don't have anything against non-members. I think they're pretty aweome and more honest than most members. I hate Utah Mormons. I don't like to be preached at. I have my own opinions on the church and pretty much everything else. As "churchy" as all of this sounds - I'm really not "churchy". I know it's true, I'll live by it. But I'm not going to shove it on anyone and I'm certainly going to live my life based on what I believe is right - not what other people tell me is right. I live the way I interpret church standards. I live to the best of my ability and sometimes that isn't perfect - alright, it's never perfect. But hell, that's what this life is for. Enjoy it, I'm finding someone that can handle my attitude and knows and loves me for me.

PS I know I sound like a b*tch, but those of you that really know me - know exactly how I feel about all this and know that I'm not by any means higher than thou or think I deserve Prince Charming. I'm looking for my equal, someone that knows what mistakes are.

1 comment:

  1. I hope you know how amazing you are Ashley!! I love you BFFE, you are such an amazing example to me!